I woke up this morning and I felt good. I mean, once I started being cognizant enough to check in with myself and see what was going on. I didn’t even notice how warm it was when I stepped outside the tent. That came later when I was brewing the coffee. I feel good right now. It still feels so weird to be like, “yeah, I’m doing better than I’ve been doing in a very long time.” I was telling a friend over the weekend that I had this thought where I was like, “people live their lives in all sorts of different ways and I know this because of how I’m living my life right now.”
I think there’s something powerful about engaging with the conversations that life presents to me in a way that allows me to experience them truthfully. I think I’m talking about vulnerability (because what else.) But it’s just fascinating to me what can happen when I open up to the possibility of a life that isn’t based on things I’m afraid of not having. That’s been wild to go through this last season and be like I have to do this because otherwise I won’t be able to survive in this climate that we are living in. This belief was death to me even if there is truth woven in with it to make it even more terrifying. I’m noticing that fear is something to be aware of for sure. As the good book says, “the wise sees the danger and hides, but the simple go on and are punished.” Or something like that.
Calculated risk is a real thing. I’m just getting in touch with the fact that becoming overwhelmed by all the risks and what to choose and losing sight of things that actually contribute to my healing and journey towards wholeness are not as important as, well, that deep sound inside that’s calling for me to answer. I’m learning a lot about myself right now. I feel like I’m learning more in the past couple months than I have in the last year-ish. I think some fears are valid. Obviously there are some serious risks that happen when I choose certain things for myself. It’s good to be aware of that.
Curiosity and wonder are things I’ve been working to cultivate in myself lately. Operating from a position of peace and allowing the waves to come over me and pass. I watched Dune on Saturday night. Incredible film, definitely the best I’ve seen in a long time. It was a spiritual experience for me I think. One of the characters says a sort of prayer in the film that was powerful.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me, and when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
I walked away from the film feeling encouraged in a way that I don’t think I’ve felt from a film in a long time, maybe ever? I don’t know. It was a unique experience and I feel like somehow the place I’m existing in right now impacted the way that I experienced the film. I didn’t think this post was going to resolve around Dune, but I’m honestly not mad about it.
structures of home 