It’s been an eventful past little period of time for Joel. I woke up today feeling refreshed and ready to move forward with all the beauty that is coming for me. I am learning a lot about myself. I’m learning how to set boundaries for myself and allow myself to be curious and lean into desire in a way that is healing rather than harmful. I think desire can be dangerous, but like, so is existing, ya feel? Like driving a vehicle is crazy dangerous. A lot of us sign up for that though. You know? But when it comes to leaning into the deep sound a lot of times I’ve shrunk back in fear or when I’ve leaned in and it’s been so painful I’ve recoiled and retreated for extended periods of time. (This response has happened at two different points in my 20’s, which are almost over and I’m so stoked). I’m aware of this in myself and it’s been healing to allow for my narrative about life and myself to being to move toward a more integrated perspective of my story and the trauma I’ve experienced in my life. The hard work is worth it. The difficult things are worth grappling with and being childlike is powerful. Healing can happen. Something Justin McRoberts said on the @Sea podcast is that you have to receive your healing. That’s such a beautiful concept to me right now. This idea that we are able to engage with reality in a way that moves us towards wholeness is beautiful. No one can force me to pursue it however, it doesn’t work like that. I’m so here for that. I get to discover this for myself and so do you, if you want to.
Before Dune gets going there is a voice in the Sardaukar language that says “Dreams are messages from the deep.” I missed it the first time through because its literally the first thing in the film. I’m sure this has some sort of deeper meaning in the story line, but I really resonate with this sort articulation of the confusing thing that is making sense of the process of becoming and growing into who we’ve always hoped to be deep down. Hero’s journey and all that. Funny how there is a dosage of Psilocybin that is commonly referred to as the heroic dose. Makes ya think, huh?
A great portion of my lived experience has been a cycle of getting caught in a reactive space. Reaction to darkness I see in the world, reaction to love lost, reaction to darkness I see in myself, reaction to trauma from my upbringing, (religious and otherwise), reaction to cultural norms I find incredibly destructive. The theme here is that I have lived in a way that is pushing against, shutting down and protecting whatever I can. A movement through the world predicated by preservation and fear.
Something that has been astonishing to me recently is the fact that as I’ve leaned into wonder and curiosity I am remembering parts of myself that have been lost under the weight of all the bullshit I’ve needed to process through. A purity of heart is emerging through the battlefield of reaction. Emerging beyond the constant guarding from and evaluating of the motives of others. A big thing for me has been watching people I look up to receive feedback in a way that doesn’t hinder their ability to function. To allow for someone to express with passion a view that is perhaps violent or hurtful or whatever and not make it personal. Allow that person to live into whatever that is and allow for the receiving party to continue to pursue those things which are bringing wholeness. It’s a freeing way of moving through the world in my opinion.
I’m moving toward a position of allowing the aspects of reality that I find compelling to receive more of my energy and allowing for that curiosity and wonder to lead me into a life that is frankly more interesting than anything I’ve done in my nearly 30 years on planet earth. I’m here for it. I can feel the emergence of a person who has always been there in some other form. I think the notion that we are good and beautiful and evil is a distortion of that is powerful. Meaning nothing original comes from evil, it is always taking something good and twisting it to enslave and destroy. This shift allows me to celebrate and trust the inner voice of love which leads me into a meaningful, trusting existence that promotes the healing of the world that I’ve longed to partake in for as long as I can remember. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but sometimes allowing yourself to explore other things that people in your camp are afraid of might actually help you integrate aspects of your worldview that feel dissonant.
A dear friend of mine has shown me that example by being a safe person for me to be myself with and listen to the wanderings of my good heart. He was a presence I knew I had available to me in a season of life when I had trouble deciding what food to buy at the store. In a way that isn’t like what should we eat tonight, but in like a (the weight of having to continue to feed this body and exist in this reality is getting to be overwhelming and I’m having trouble finding reasons to stay) sort of way. You matter and what you deeply long for is good.
structures of home 