“I feel everything, yeah I feel it all. I feel it in my bones and in my fucking skull.”
I’m feeling here and now. I’m feeling the weight of my past change as the context becomes more deeply clear. I’m so happy to be here. I get this picture of what it means to find home. I’m finally finding home. I’m at home in my own life. I wanted this so badly, to have the kingdom of God growing inside me. I think this is a metaphor that’s interesting because it seems like such a dominance themed situation from the theology of my youth. However, I think with the language of boundaries, trust, and vulnerability it begins to make sense. If the kingdom of god is a place where joy and peace dwells no matter the external environment than the language shifts and it becomes not violent at all. There are folks who exist who seem to have a sense of peace even in the most trying of circumstances. I’m inspired by this trust and devotion to a love that is beyond myself (but also in myself).
My friend had this thought that I think is beautiful. He said it’s not about earning it, it’s about remembering that you are loved (in the sense that you always have been and you are just waking up to that fact). That’s definitely been a big part of my healing story out of codependency. I’m enough. I’m held. I am good and I am being made whole. This idea that all I deserved was to burn in hell is straight up fucked. I feel like it’s such a codependent distortion. Like the entire narrative becomes about saying the right passwords in order to be seen by God. This self hatred piece makes me so sad. Like I feel like there’s so many folks walking around just straight up cursing the gifts they’ve been given, because they want them to be something else. I’ve felt like a stranger (or captive) in my own life. I think the language around the self, who I am and learning a different way of interacting with that energy has been so healing. It’s curious that my process of integration (still ongoing and I’m pretty sure will continue for the rest of my life) took me outside the framework I was raised in. Jesus is so good though. I know that now in a way I never did before.
Folks call it shadow work. That’s a clever name. I think there is that aspect of the process for sure. Encanto fully sent me into rektTM mode a couple days ago. I teared up part way through the film and towards the end there was more than one moment where there were tears rolling down my face as I leaned my head against the wall I was sitting next to and just sighed deeply. The work they did with that film is incredible. I think the deeply beautiful parts (without giving it away) including the movement beyond being erased or erasing into being seen and loved. Into knowing yourself truly and deeply and wholly. It’s incredibly beautiful and resonates in a very deep way with my own journey.
I think the most tragic thing about hating and trying to kill the part of yourself that is deeply unique in order to fit in rather than truly belong is wild. Like I will never be good enough in that space. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I will never be good enough. It isn’t about being good enough in that paradigm. Fear and violent domination govern that kingdom with their compatriots, self hatred and oppression etc etc and so on. (They have a lot of compatriots) I think about violent power structures. (There’s been a lot of those specifically, in my experience, within western Christianity). And how folks are intelligent and eventually are going to call bullshit. I think the more I’ve gotten in touch with my own rage, the more I’ve realized how much that rage was pointing to betrayal. To being lied to. To being gaslit. To watching folks I love be abused and folks in power use coded language to get around it. It’s way fucked up and I think the fact that a lot of folks are getting in touch with that rage is a really good thing.
It’s good to be angry. I cared deeply. I cared so much. That’s the hardest thing when I do things from a good heart position and I still end up hurting a lot of folks. I think that’s one of the hard things about personal responsibility. I mean taking my own shit into account and handling it. No one can go on my healing journey for me. I have to, (at some point), quit giving my power away to other people and take ownership for my own life. Maybe this seems obvious to a lot of folks. It’s hella scary to shoulder though. Especially when I was formed inside structures that told me to give that power away in order to be in touch with something divine.
So basically, I can’t trust myself, I need to trust external authority to tell me the truth. That I can’t discern for myself, because I’m bad/whatever else. I’m sure it’s becoming apparent how badly this sets folks up for adulthood and navigating the world in a way that is successful, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. So anyways learning how to work with what I’ve got and see how anxiety is often trying to protect me. How I’ve got a deeply good complicated system called my body that is trying to help me navigate my life in an incarnated way. Healing from the trauma and listening to those bodily signals increases my compassion for myself and others (in live time) and it’s rad.
structures of home 