My little love, where do I go from here? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks in Scott’s Valley, CA on Christmas day, 2021. I’ve never felt this free in my life. I feel so much more alive than I have ever felt, actually. I’m here now. It’s so tight. Finally done living in the future and the past. There is so much to celebrate in my life. There really is more to find. I never know what’s gonna happen when I show up with boundaries, curiousity, vulnerability and a willingness to build trust. Life does become a very different landscape when I interact with it that way.
I have fully stepped into a new season of life. I feel that there is no going back to the Harry Potter Privet Drive closet I was living in. I get to be free. I get to be free. It’s a living into it. An internal freedom. The world can be such a punisher, but I get to be free. I get to be alive and moving towards wholeness. I get to integrate my shadow self. I get to move towards a deeper understanding of the mystery of life and the beauty of deep, meaningful, held, trusting relationships with other humans along the road. It’s incredible. It’s a core value for me. I finally have gotten in touch with the kind of person I want to be and I am beginning to cultivate that energy in my life. As Kae Tempest says, “This is the garden. Now, you better start sowing or there won’t be a harvest.” Get sowing.
I’m stoked to be dreaming again. I am thinking about the future in a way that’s not from a position of doomsaying. I might build out a van in the next couple years and travel down through central and south america surfing, photographing, writing and learning Spanish. I think that would be a formative adventure for my thirties. A nice prolonged challenge of an experience that could be a very big, rewarding, learning experience. What I’m saying though is that I’m changing and that I am growing and that I am learning and I’m becoming the person I want to become and that feels so good.
Life is wild. It’s such a process. It’s devastating how close it can come to ending to early. It’s so wild that the way to heal trauma is to begin living my own life. To trust myself to know what I want and allow myself to make mistakes and grow and keep going. It’s so cool to become my own best friend. My own best ally. My own best empathetic partner. Life is so varied and there are so many contextual situations that I get myself into that require specific ways of being. I think that having skillful means to navigate these moments is huge. I think it’s part of the learning process related to becoming fully incarnated in this life.
There is a definite aspect of letting go. I think that’s what the Buddha really dug into and brought out. This idea of notions and going beyond them. I think he was (in part) talking about escaping dogma. Jesus said, “Unless you become like a child, you will never enter the kingdom of God. You must lose your life in order to find it.” It’s right here, my guy. It’s here waiting for us to become ourselves. All of creation is groaning for the revealing of those who have heard the deep sound and answered and kept answering. It’s the way through. It’s how we heal. To be found in love and allowed to become outside of a reactionary, limbic framework.
We get to be beautiful. We get to be free. We get to be who we always have been. Whenever I’m ready I’m invited to step into the process of fully incarnating. Life keeps giving chances. It’s never to late. We have a whole crew of punishers that tell us that it’s to late. It’s all over and whatever I was supposed to do with my life is fucked and I should just kill myself. It’s okay though cause life is way to beautiful to ingest that self hatred and act out of it in my life. It’s good to be alive. It’s good to be here. It’s a gift to be here. Keep going, there’s more to find.
structures of home 