something else

I work less than a mile from the ocean in the most beautiful area I have ever lived. I have co workers who are empathetic and stoked. I am stoked and empathetic. I live in a trailer in the mountains around Santa Cruz in a trailer that is a little sketch (zoning laws) and I am learning so much about myself. I realized that I am creating a life that I want to wake up to everyday.

I think grief is wild. There’s this quote I saw and it was to the effect that grief is the love that we have inside us that has no where to go because the person/relationship/pet/whatever (there’s a range of grief) is gone. So we have this love that we have to work with till it processes and that grief becomes something more. I think if I’ve learned anything in the healing process, it’s that the grief just shifts, it grows with me into richness. It’s not that it’s gone. It’s just something else.

I was listening to a song that meant a lot to me in a specific era of my life and I couldn’t listen to it for a long time because I couldn’t emotionally handle what it brought up for me. It was on my magical 4:40ish am drive down to cat and cloud from (the mountain trailer). I was like, holy shit, I think I’m ready for this in this vulnerable morning space. It was beautiful. I think grief is worth pressing into. It’s so heavy and I think sometimes, in my own experience, it’s felt like I’m not getting anywhere, or worse I’m sliding downhill (whatever that is). But yeah, I was like just overcome by the love I have in my heart and that song was finally healed for me. It’s different now. It’s not the same that it was, but I’m not the same either.

It’s great that my unintentional mantra that keeps echoing across the canyons of this season of discovery is keep going, there’s more to find. It’s resonant for me right now because it came to me in a time when I desperately needed to hear those kinds of words. If you’ll excuse the potentially gross metaphor (also this is my blog and you are actively choosing to read it) but realizing that there is a way of engaging with life that is like someone who is cracking the bones at the end of the meal and sucking the marrow out of the chicken. Like get in there, you know?

This is my life. I get to incarnate into this precious, precious thing and learn how to work with grief and joy and loss and being held and everything. Ultimately, like Adele says on her new record, To be loved and love at the highest count is to lose everything I can’t live without. It’s worth it. It’s so, so unbelievably worth it. I am a more whole person the more I choose to care deeply and engage in vulnerable, trusting, relationships with the risk of loss. this isn’t only a peer to peer relationship but a relationship with myself and who I want to be in the world. the resonance across time and space into this library in Santa Cruz.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the merciful, for they will obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. (These famous words are taken from the Sermon on the Mount).