*a note about this post. It contains very strong political ideas. If that’s not the vibe for you, chill. Another thing is that I love America. In the sense that most of the folks I love deeply were born into the context that is this social environment and have suffered the gaslighting and trauma of the American experience together. I was born here and there are a lot of beautiful things about this place. This post isn’t about those things though and if you don’t want to be apart of this right now, I respect that. Also, I’m no longer a woke progressive. so that’s a thing to note as well.
I’m not trying to be enlightened anymore. I’m trying to be found in the process of developing deep trusting, vulnerable relationships. God is there in that space. I have fallen in love with Jesus. I think about how Paul was like “I’m not ashamed of the gospel” and I grew up thinking “I am ashamed of this gospel. It’s like the definition of shameful. The whole thing is just sad.” I realized that I was engaging with such a distortion of what Jesus is about and it was fed through a really codependent understanding of reality, fueled by the cultural context i was immersed in that was poisoning the well, so to speak.
Once I saw the beauty of Jesus I was like yes, sign me up, I want in, let’s go. Also, just, I am alive and stoked to be alive. I don’t really know how he found me honestly. I mean, out here in the wasteland of every spin on the TruthTM that exists and a cultural understanding of truth that is just as dogmatic as the dogma they claim to be enlightened from.
Neoliberal ideology (this article from the guardian is going to make the rest of this post easier to understand) I just, it’s one of the worst ideological positions that exists in the formation of human society. (there’s a range, but it’s pretty fucking bad). Imagine thinking that this country has a democratic wing that is doing some semblance of a job that is good… Like don’t get me wrong, I’m not even remotely republican, but like for real? Are you kidding me? After everything we know about the Clinton’s and Biden and Obama and Trump and Bush and on and on and fucking on. Reagan. I mean I can keep going. This idea that we are not in an empire where the elites are the ruling class and they are going to do anything they can to hold that power and wield it effectively over the population.
Like the fact that involuntary houselessness is an issue in the wealthiest country on the planet is wild to me. When we have housing that is available sitting empty and capital dictates that these folks live on the streets and have their camps swept by the police. Systemic violence. It’s wild. I think this is what I mean about the world being in the grip of this evil. Greed, lust, abuse of power. I think the most disturbing take I’ve heard is the population control bit. I’m like wow, there are folks actually casually talking about using violent means to reduce the population out loud in casual conversation.
Folks who actually think that’s the evil that is necessary to reach the end goal of a sustainable eco system. God help us. Neo-liberalism is a take on human civilization that I hate. The amount of “empathy” and “posturing” while we bomb the fuck out of the places in the world that have things we want. I just can’t with it. It makes me sick. I was reading this book by James Baldwin (if you are looking for a place to start The Fire Next Time was my first introduction to his work) and he was talking about living inside the American experience and contrasting the south and the north in the cultural context of that time. He talked about how in the south at least he knew where the hatred was coming from. In the north it was veiled and white liberal’s used cloaked language and politics to channel their racism. Baldwin used the example of moving to New York, and that actually meant moving to Harlem.
Wielding the tools of the empire to push the society in the direction of whatever Utopian vision white liberals wanted, I guess. Folks will die and we can coin convenient political terms like “collateral damage” to brush past the folks lying dead on the streets of the oil rich area we bombed or the next invasion that was enforced by both sides of the isle, aka the “defense” budget in this country. (I think about that scene from Get Out where the Dad was like, “I would have voted for Obama a third time if I could’ve.” Haunting.)
Just like, wow. I think the fact that that’s just been going on since inception in this country. (Starting with our initial conquest.) Like this smiling over cocktails and talking about empathy and still just doing shitty shit and business as usual stuff and wow. Just like thinking that Biden/Hilary/Trump/whoever is going to care for the country in a way that isn’t super grievous? I don’t get it. Maybe I’ve seen to much? Or read to much. Or been in Kansas City during the George Floyd protests and held space for that rage and weariness.
Where do you live? Like for real, what America do you live in? I think the subjectivity of lived experience can get really frightening in these spaces. It’s like, how do we go on? I don’t know. I think a lot of us are realizing that America is at a point where our bluff is being called and things are about to get out of hand (probably like, fall of an empire out of hand). I’m grateful that my hope isn’t in this empire. This viscous, bloody, violent world power that is set on maintaining dominance and willing to sacrifice precious blood in the service of maintaining and wielding that power. Neo-liberalism is one of my least favorite takes on how to organize a society. A direct quote from that guardian article I linked earlier in this post, “The self-hating state now sinks its teeth into every organ of the public sector.” It really is just a huge self-hatred fest. All around. It’s wild.
The way of the Lamb is beautiful. He is worthy of my time, energy, and has my full devotion. He who heals my eyes so that I can see myself for who I am. (The irony of this is that when I hated myself I thought that ‘who I truly am’ was a wretched, awful, despicable person deserving to burn forever.) I now see how false that image is and how precious I am. Full of creative energy and beautiful, powerful and deeply desiring connection that I can and do have now. I am however, prone to illusion and need help and he says “be healed” as I reach for that healing. A beautiful God.
structures of home 