be

I slept for like over 12 hours last night. Today is my sabbath and I’m really vibing with just getting to rest. It’s beautiful. I feel so alive today. I’m in San Jose and visiting a shop that loves cat and cloud (I too, love cat and cloud). I think I’m gonna buy a sweat shirt here haha. Anyways, I was feeling pretty sad last night. I think I was exhausted and feeling lonely. (Also I watched the new spider man and it was bullshit as far as films go imo). I guess, also because I loved Dune, Encanto, and then The Matrix I need to watch again because i walked away sad but don’t fully have words yet. But anyways, the fact that it was something like that where I was like really thinking it was gonna be a thing or something. I should just know by now that I just generally don’t like marvel films. There’s a few that I’m into, but other than that shit, it’s like nah dawg.

I’ve been thinking about letting myself be more. I think that’s something that is really important. Like I get to be. I get to be. I get to be. I am. I am here. I am here now. I am here now existing. Such a process this whole becoming thing. I think I was realizing that there is a panic around the idea that I’ll just lose it. I’ll lose the aliveness I’ve been feeling so much recently. It will just leave me and I will be boring and drab and uninteresting and fall back asleep to myself and my potential as a human. Believe the lies of the false self and the punishment it brings with it. I don’t have to do that though and honestly it’s kind of laughable because I can always breath deep, drink some water, go do something I care about, call a friend, (sleep for twelve hours), pray, worship, read the words of Christ and remember. Remember myself.

A precious child on the journey to wholeness through the diverse trials of this time and all the energy that exists to bind and seduce and entrap and ensnare. There’s a reason that dark energy is always trying to get hosts to live inside. We are incredibly powerful. We have so much to offer and so much to lead others into and evil is so boring. Cunning, but boring. Like not one original thing comes from evil. It literally is just the same thing over and over again. “I will ascend and become like the most high. I am autonomous. I am not interconnected any longer or vulnerable. I alone. I.” It always comes back to this original premise no matter how it’s contextually cloaked.

It’s why in the wilderness Jesus went back to the interconnectivity that he had with the Father. I will trust and engage through the witness of vulnerable love working itself out through my obedience to this call from the deep. Man cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Father. Nuanced and contextual. Clear and true. What if I’m missing out? What if I should be in Japan instead of California? What if I’m not doing enough. I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die. What if what if what if ahhhhhhhhh. Anxiety and depression. Ahhhhhhh. I don’t live on bread alone. I cannot. I am listening for the sound. I am listening to my Father and he leads with peace and a stillness that cannot be counterfeited by anything.

I think this has been really helpful to find this distinction between dark energy and light so to speak. (Also, re-listened to Everything was Sound and goddamn). Like the Buddhist idea of letting go or Rumi talking about kneeling and kissing the ground and being apart of all things, those are “light energy” ideas. Those conceptions and notions get me closer to the ultimate. The thing. It’s movement in “the good way” so to speak. I think that’s why the mystics of the world find common ground, because it is movement towards beauty and awe. I do believe that Christ is the ultimate expression of that energy, however, I also believe that creation is deeply good and for the one who seeks it will always bear witness to the one by which my wounds are healed.

I think about the idea of little resurrections. Just how like now I’m a pursuing the practice of becoming a little Christ. I think there is the healing of the earth that is a humble work of kindness and love. Laying down my weapons and becoming a gardener. The battle cry of “the challenger” who is caught in the false self deep inside the entrapment of never enough, moving towards the song of the gardener singing to his plants and nurturing them into wholeness. *Defiant to the shadow (*silent planet lyric from the album). A candle held and protected by the love that abides in and washes out across the plains of my existence giving a glass of water to all who would drink of that beauty and join in the work of remembering ourselves. The meek will inherit the earth.