passe

*this post contains information that may spoil the film The Worst Person In The World

Tethered. It’s powerful to me that I get to grow and know myself better through being seen by other people. I was thinking about this in relation to false image, which has actively sabotaged true connection in my life. I watched this film called The Worst Person In The World and the director seems to be having an extended conversation about someone who has experienced a lot of trauma and hasn’t dealt with it and is now objectifying other people and absolutely oblivious to the way that they move through the world.

There’s this scene that hurt really bad for me, specifically. The main character is having a conversation with her partner and he is actually seeing her behind her veiled “fiction” (she’s a writer). Instead of leaning in and receiving this genuine attempt to connect she rages and burns him in whatever way she can in the moment (specifically assuming an air of superiority about literature and his inability to appreciate it because (what was the last book he read?) and then attacks his person hood because he seems to her to be content to keep making coffee till he’s 50. I thought more about this scene and it’s heartbreaking.

I remember when I was at the height of my coffee career I would say things like “I don’t really take that persons opinion of my latte art because they aren’t educated about it enough to give me a good compliment. I think there’s certainly a place for being willing to engage people on different levels. Like, for instance, if I was talking with someone who was pursuing excellence in crafting and I wanted to also become more excellent at crafting. Yeah. Sure. That’s great. Good context and everything. I’m down.

However, to rob myself and that person of a potential moment of connection because I’m so insulated inside an obsession with my own image and how I’m presented in the world is frightening. To be so obsessed with the art form and miss the humanity of a person who is paying money to receive something I’ve crafted while actively devaluing their honest appreciation of my creation (which I have worked countless hours to master). It’s just sad. It’s really sad. I don’t think this was isolated in my life. I think that was how I moved through the world.

I was someone who was interested in power that is born from recognition. The fear of not being a person who makes a mark on this world. The panic of my youth slipping through my fingers and feeling like I’m fucking it up. The grasping for relationships because of an external locus of control. There’s no room to breathe. I use you. You use me. We go around hurting each other and then after some time the dysfunction quits working for us and on I go. (This is the movie in a nutshell if you were wondering, except the main character never wakes up) I think that Narcissus is an interesting character in Greek mythology. Like self obsession to the point of death. What I’m finding is that that way of being in the world isn’t real. It’s a lie. It’s illusion. I think that being willing to have my vulnerability honestly, seeking to love my friends well, and gently accepting my passage through whatever this is into what’s next, has been the single most powerful revelation of my 20’s.

Language gets sticky for sure. False self, true self. What are we even saying? I think the story that is Joel is true in it’s own sense. Like I exist and interact with people and it is meaningful in it’s own unique way. However, Joel, when serving his own “self” preserving fearful motives, is really harmful to other people. I think this is where the distortion happens. Because I am really good at “self” protecting and sabotaging myself. When I step into the reality that my formation is going to be deeper and richer when I lay down the obsession with control and image that’s when I begin to actually become the person that the false image is trying to achieve, but can never be.

Trust built through vulnerability and discretion inside meaningful community is powerful. I think this is why I’m saying that this way of being in the world (where instead of humbling oneself and engaging the conversation with her partner the story’s central character instead recoiled, demeaned, and gas lit the person who was seeing her accurately). I’m also not saying that she was aware that she was doing this. I think being aware of something or not isn’t really something that is often easy to know about another person. I am saying it’s so heartbreaking.

I begin to know myself better through the willingness to be curious about what I’m experiencing and also what others are experiencing. The more I give the more I receive. I am learning to trust and live in love with the one who’s commandments heal my heart and soul and create a clarity of vision and a way of being in the world that is abundant. A willingness to recognize and honor the sacred nature of everyone around me. A desire to heal instead of a fear of not leaving a legacy that endures. This story is passe, love is forever.