fear or love?

What’s moving you? Fear or love? I think it’s interesting to see the moments where I feel fear begin to grip my heart. It’s a constricting force motivating me to protect and hide. Violently oppose letting people see me for who I am and seeking to have my own way dominant in my experience. I think I’ve started noticing when people are more interested in something other than human flourishing. How that changes how they engage with people. It’s not always easy to spot and I believe reserving judgment and being quick to listen and slow to speak is the best practice. But I think as I’ve started to cultivate a deeper practice of listening to myself, holding space, and allowing things other than the pursuit of image and money to become more powerful motivators in my life, I’m starting to watch those energies start to form me in a different way. Making me more sensitive.

It was interesting having this conversation this morning with someone and having them say “you seem like a mellow guy and honestly we would probably just rather have you as a neighbor here but it’s illegal.” (this has to do with zoning laws in California) It’s illegal for me to exist on a piece of land that I’m quietly living on with the permission of the person who presides over the property and this person is saying that they like me because I’m respectful but can’t get over the resentment they have for my landlord and are trying to spite him. I’m like, okay interesting. So your spite for him is greater than your desire to see me do well in the world.

I think for me it was just a moment of anxiety. Partially because I don’t really know what’s going to happen. My energy right now is just vibing and seeing what plays out and being ready to move when I need to, it’s so interesting to live like this. It’s powerful because it allows me to open the aperture a little bit more and look at what’s motivating me in these situations. Fear or love? Fear or love. Fear. The movement towards constriction and grasping and control. A feeling of being unsafe in the world and out of control of myself. A distrust of others and a willingness to use whatever means I can to preserve myself and what’s owed me. Fear. Fear. Fear. Love. I don’t know honestly. I think love is pretty subtle sometimes (like in a hospitality environment, but also clear and honest and simple. I don’t think love is as cunning as evil. Love says what it means and means it. I think that’s one of the most beautiful things for me as I’ve started cultivating saying truer things about my experience. On here and in my embodied life. It’s a process and I’m still learning and growing and making plenty of mistakes. Go gentle on me.

I’m just kind of blown away by the contrast of these energies. I’ve been thinking about getting fucked over by people with bad intentions a lot. It’s specifically tied to something I’m dealing with where I trusted someone with a sizable sum of money and they are flaky and shady and bad vibes on 100. I have feelings about it, but also i’m not into burning people down online so i will allow them to exist anonymously. (It’s also just the most boring thing in the world. Money is so dumb.) Specifically because it wasn’t just a stranger on the internet. It is teaching me a lot about how other folks don’t value human flourishing in the same way that I do and some people are more interested in money even when it means someone else is harmed. It’s fucked. But it’s also something that has been a blind spot in my life. Discretion and wisdom is something Joel is learning about a lot right now.

Wisdom is justified by all her children. Every single one of them. Why? Because she raises them well. She moves through the world in a way that is beautiful and teaches them how to move that way. So they light up every time they see their mother. They love her and revere her and she teaches them how to be free in the world. Wisdom is a gift and I would recommend listening to the folks in your life who have the capacity to share her with you. It’s a confusing world out there. I think getting in touch with motivation and intention is really powerful though and will help on the journey of self care and acceptance. (also just high five your reflection in the mirror, just do it.) To care truly is a painful process that isn’t linear and definitely has it’s own broken bones and loss and textural nuance, but it’s also the journey towards looking your friends and companions and anyone you love deeply in the eyes and knowing that they know you and you know them and you both care so much and that’s something you can’t buy with any amount of money in the world. Genuine care and integrity are the hottest energies that exists in my opinion.