like glaciers

It’s okay to grieve for as long as you need to. It’s okay to experience the depths of sadness that feel like they won’t ever be anything else. It’s okay to remember yourself in a way that feels like every fucking thing is over. Like all the good has gone out of your life and there is nothing but medication and anxiety left. It’s okay. It’s not okay. Maybe it’s time I looked into what I mean when I say the word okay. I think I mean it’s part of the process. It’s part of the process to experience deep loss. It’s part of the process to allow myself to experience that specific thing.

I think about the whole season of life where there was a sort of breaking in my heart. It felt like the death of an emerging dream that was becoming reality. Like glaciers breaking and drifting apart, the ocean to strong to be overcome pulling apart the pieces of me that were holding on to tightly. Like a small child who doesn’t understand that holding onto the small bird to tightly will end it’s life. The life has gone out. The child doesn’t understand yet. Sometimes I’ve felt that way.

It’s part of the process of growing to let that child feel that sadness. Life going out is sad. It hurts. Loss hurts. It’s part of the process to allow for that to be allowed to be real. To be actually acknowledged and held and accepted as part of the story. Homecoming in multiple iterations and parts. The fractured bones find their way back together over time and heal a little differently. Sometimes stronger. Sometimes I’ve been stronger. Never stronger than when I’m living into the process of having my emotional exposure, risk and uncertainty. Looking it in the eyes and building trust with myself and those who will run with me into the fields beyond this partial understanding.

There’s something so compelling to me about the emerging shape of becoming. That tidal pull that keeps shaping the landscape on the shores of our conscious experience. More at home than I’ve ever been, through the process of facing my heart and letting Joel emerge beyond the wreckage of heart break and loss into hope and trust built on the ground of empowerment. You have permission to show up for yourself.