change

i believe it’s good to keep going if what you have isn’t working for you anymore. The idea of repentance (where this tread is coming from right now) is fascinating, in the sense that language is fascinating specifically how all that word seems to do in most power structures is give folks a ritual fix for something that they are going to keep doing. I think this is why there was such a violent reaction with cancel culture. A society filled with rage at the violation and abuse of people, while the abusers are not called to account. It was an attempt at re-balancing, however anger is initiatory and if it is a space that is not allowed to be processed it will destroy people and everything it touches. It must be allowed to speak (sometimes very loudly and for a long time) and be heard.

I think this is why the implementation of practicing true apology has been like so powerful in my life. Like this way of being that says. Yes, I fucked up. It hurts really badly to see how I fucked up. This is how in the future I’m not going to harm you in that way. Personal responsibility, coupled with empathy, and empowered by action. Let’s go. Repent. Which is to say (allow yourself to be changed by the interaction with all of this goodness that is present with you). The other option appears to be perishing in a cycle of objectification and fear. The idolization of an unattainable perfection at the expense of the preciousness that is with us now.

It’s powerful when I allow myself to reckon with my own failings. To humble myself and be seen and known in that way. To be offered mercy in a space where vengence could be held against me. I think that’s what’s really compelling about forgiveness. Like the access of myself to myself in a way that understands what it’s like to know how I’ve failed and know that I’m still celebrated and seen beyond those things (not objectified) but allowed to be drawn closer into relationship, through the process of working out that change. It’s powerful. It’s heavy. It’s freeing.

Allow yourself to emerge from your fixed cage where everything is perfect or throw away (a hell inspired by dualism). Where fear of what could happen keeps you from being present to what is actually happening. Trauma is hard in that way. It keeps us in a reactive state where we struggle to integrate and so we continue to perpetuate that violence that has been done against us against other people and ourselves until we allow that anger or avoidance or whatever else to speak and be seen, known, and allowed to pass on.

Movement is powerful. I think about seasons a lot recently and just like learning about what season I’m occupying in my heart. Like what I’m working on and how being aware of that process of change is unique to me in a sense and also very communal in another way. That’s how most things are though. The particular sound inside the larger song. Breathing in and experiencing the process all over again in another moment.