hunger

It was strange to gain the awareness that I’ve been experiencing a specific type of loneliness. It felt strange because my life has been so full lately. I feel like maybe I’m needing to work on putting up some art work in the heart space of my life (metaphorically). I had this moment recently where I was struggling just to not just fully panic. Like I was struggling really really hard. Like I was just trying to focus on my next breath and keep going. It was hard, I was catastrophizing and I knew that I was doing that. But I kept doing it. Like I would stop doing it for a bit and get back into my body and then my punisher (that dude who is just unrelenting in his assault of my personhood and worthiness) would start ripping me again and I would spiral and then come back to the breath.

I think one of the things that made me realize how meaningful being seen can be was that someone who I trust asked if I was doing alright and I told them no. they then proceeded to allow me to take an extra break and that allowed me to go cry in the bathroom. It was very needed. I then was able to recenter, but I think more than crying in the bathroom (which was great), it was having someone in that moment of internal crisis make space for me, in the space we were occupying together, to suffer and be seen. I think I’m learning a lot about what kind of life I want to build. What kind of life I’m building and the disparity between those and maybe what tools I need to work on learning how to use to get to the former. I think loneliness is interesting. It’s definitely part of learning how to truly belong to myself. I think as I learn how to inhabit my heart in a way that I am never alone I am able to truly connect with others in a deep and meaningful way in the here and now with the clear eyes of true belonging. (no where to go but here.)

All I really want to do anymore is meaningfully connect with folks and let them know that they are seen and known and cared for by me. I think part of that work is learning how to protect the gifts I’ve been given in a way that allows me to cultivate them and share them, simultaneously. it feels like subtle work at this point. Sometimes the movement towards personal homecoming is going to look like saying yes to a situation that is uncomfortable and sometimes its going to be no. I think knowing the why behind what I’m saying is really going to help ground me in the future. If I can answer that with clear eyes I’m on the right track.

I know that I want to be gentle and lovely. Kind and expansive in my compassion. That’s all going to take work. It’s going to take being hurt and defrauded. The children of light are not as shrewd as the children of this world. I think I’m learning what that means in a new way. I can’t be a cutthroat violent person if I’m going to be a follower of this beautiful god. This wonderful beautiful god who sees me and loves me and wants me to have abundant life above all else.