glitter

Just say it. Just say so. If you want to kiss me just say so. I might say no. I’ve been thinking about this thing that happened the other night. I was at this party and there was a DJ and I was dancing pretty hard. It was cool. It was overall a really lovely night celebrating a birthday! We were having a freaking blast. My friend came too. It was super great. Honestly I was really grateful to have her at the party. She was kind of like my person who tethered me in the space. We were hanging with different folks a lot and it was sick.

So, I was shredding the dance floor and this person I had briefly met was vibing and there was a sense that they were just having a good time at the party. I was just on the dance floor and getting ready to head back to the kitchen and this person just straight up goes in and starts kissing me on the mouth. This lasted for maybe 15 seconds and then I broke off and went to the kitchen. I didn’t really even pay it that much mind in the moment, but it’s interesting, because the next day my friend was saying that they asked if they could kiss her and they didn’t ask if they could kiss me. It made me sad.

Like the idea of how it’s vulnerable to ask for consent. I have been running into this thing lately that I haven’t really encountered before. I think the more that I’m just free to be myself and wear things for joy and put nail polish on or wear glitter or make my hair look a specific way. Etc. there’s like this assumption that I’m a specific way because of that. Or that I must be x, (whatever any given person is projecting on to me without actually knowing me in any meaningful way). So it’s interesting to listen closely to these subtle things that are emerging as I start to unpack this other conversation that’s happening around my body and the way it’s presented in the world and the way that it’s perceived in this cultural context.

Ever since reading the will to change I’ve been fully aware that these systems are just as damaging to male folks as they are to anyone. I think anyone who challenges these unspoken or spoken (sometimes) structures encounters a response that feels sharp. I’m grateful to have a guide through this. The implications of practicing mercy. Acknowledging my poverty of Spirit. Engaging forgiveness. Experiencing a thirst for restoration. A desire for pure intention. Letting go of the need to be perceived as powerful and learning to serve even those who may be working against themselves. The path to liberation for me is to free everyone. Dogma is present in most spaces. These structures that have been used to try and keep things a specific way.

I think folks with good intentions interact with dogma sometimes as a way of saying “I need this to be this way in order for it to be (real).” The idea of moral imposition on a society through government force is scary and yet it seems to be the way that some folks want to function. I think the root of this is trauma. That is, the need to be seen when we’ve been violated (specifically when we were so small) and the crippling fear of becoming safe in our bodies now, which means excavating and letting go of all that horror. Letting those wounds become textures for a lover to know and hold and glide over those scars and cherish us more for the depth they’ve found there in us.

As Muna says, “I could wake up tomorrow, talk to myself real gentle, work in the garden. Go out and find somebody who actually likes me for me and this time I’ll let them.” Forgive. Be at peace. Come closer to yourself. Come closer to each other. The path forward for me is through saying honest things from a position of knowing why I’m saying them and risking loss through having my vulnerability. I’m still stumbling around and learning and messy.