Take a deep breath. Feel my legs quiver. Feel my heart flutter. Feel my stomach drop. I’ll be here for myself even if this goes so poorly.
I’ve been thinking about desire and directional movement from a position in time and space lately. Like the idea that choice is the mechanical element that desire pivots on. Something metaphysical (such as longing or hope) is extrapolated on and worked out in material ways through our interactions with those we know here and who we are becoming inside ourselves.
I think this is maybe part of the reason that when someone follows their dreams folks get excited. Usually when I’ve seen something like that happen, that person has followed something that draws them into deeper meaning and connection with others. This is what I think of as pure desire. That which exists in us in a pure form and is sought after in specific ways that materialize in our lives, lived as humans working out an existence here on earth.
The part that gets tricky (I think) is where attraction comes in. This could be attraction to another person, a set of experiences, or something else. Regardless, attraction can be difficult for me to understand because, growing up codependent, sometimes what I find attractive isn’t coming from a clear space. It’s pure desire filtered through the lens of trauma. This idea of settling for the scraps because we don’t believe we can have the expansive experience of eating a full meal and communing in a way that sets the heart free while speaking to this deep desire to be known and connected to in ever expanding ways.
This process of healing trauma for me has been difficult, as is expected. I think (for me) some of the powerful tools I’ve acquired while moving in a direction where I’m finding peace and deepening connection, has involved engaging with my vulnerability and honesty in the context of other people, as well as what I’m choosing to do with my life energy. (There’s choice again). It’s powerful to come back to that and feel it deeply. This isn’t an easy path. The pain of loss is still the pain of loss. To be rejected when I show up in a real way and mean what I say is perhaps a more sheer sort of pain than being disingenuous. Mainly because there’s a numbing aspect associated with being false. However, the power that comes from living with clear eyes and an open heart is profound. The friends I make on this road are gold and I am always learning.
structures of home 