lately

Life has been shifting a lot in the past month. I got back from my trip to the midwest (last time i posted on here i was on my way out there) and immediately had my car broken into the first night i was back in santa cruz. (my laptop, which i use for daily writing and posting on here was stolen along with several other things that i used for life). It’s taken me awhile to find my way back into a cadence with this part of my life. this is my halting return.

I then moved into a new living situation in a lovely house with two other folks. (that was on the 1st of august). I’ve been doing some pop ups with my dear friend here in santa cruz and those have been a space where i feel the thing i want to feel when i’m living in the way that i long to be living. I am learning a lot about food and a way of relating to it that is more effortless maybe? (still reaching for understanding) I think i also am just inspired by the space that exists when good food is around and people are hungry and being filled. It’s like this realm of existing where time becomes something else for me.

I started working at my favorite place in santa cruz. It’s a natural wine bar and it’s wonderful. There’s like so many new living wines that come through those doors and i get to experience them and learn about them and share them with people. I think what i like most about what’s happening in my life right now is that it’s stretching me and challenging me. I’m learning how to be in the world in a different way. I’m learning how to exist in spaces in a way that is more myself and honestly very silly.

I think i’ve enjoyed realizing that i just like to share joy. It’s not in a sense of like i just need to be smiling all the time. I don’t think that’s what joy is. If you’ve seen inside out you know that joy and sadness belong together. I think there’s something about showing up for something though. Like showing up and engaging the uncomfortable spaces inside myself. The parts of me that feel unexplored or frightening in a specific way.

When i move from that position i am meeting the world in a way that is more in line with my values and who i am as a person in the unborn essence aspect of me. That place where we all came from remembering itself in honest ways and small glimpses as i lean into trusting myself to grow and show up when it’s messy or i fail. I don’t think this is something i’ve ever been able to do for myself before. This sense of losing (fill in the blank) being an opportunity to deepen my connection to myself and others. It doesn’t scare me as much anymore to hear a true thing. Sometimes true things are hard. Sometimes true things hurt. But true things make room for something to be seen and known and actualized between us. You and me. A shelter. Go gentle though, because if you cut me i bleed.