dripping light

there’s something to be said for just sending it and sorting the rest out

later. 

later on. 

not in the way that procrastination orients a person to desire. that has more to do with self sabotage, i think. but there’s this other part that is more about stepping into the elixir of life and allowing  it to bring me into a different place through my interaction with it. allowing that kind of life to live through me. i think a lot of it is beyond language. it’s not really something that can always be articulated with words i mean. maybe it could be seen through the many types of language. there’s touch and sensation. there’s music. there’s the conversation between two or more materials in cooking. finding our ways toward the communion with hunger that makes us comforted. to be cold and to experience warmth. and so on, forever.

a restless desire with longing that nudges us towards freedom. there’s something to be said for letting life come in in that way and to make room for that process inside this body. coming home in a different way. i think last year was a lot about figuring out what the rooms of my internal house looked like. of course that’s just a loose metaphor for conceptualizing the process of being a person. i’m not sure if that makes much sense to me now. the idea of a structure to belong inside of is comforting and i think to a large degree something i’ve longed for and still long for even if that is the structures of community or friendship or romantic love. those are all things that feel like necessary places for human flourishing to be allowed. just allowed. and i think that allowance is what i’m speaking about now.  

there’s a fury in that orientation. i might be in love with wildness, i’m not quite certain. i’m sure there’s books that have been written and will be written again describing the human desire for freedom in that way.

i’ve noticed that being tamed is a painful experience because it is a negotiation with desire that often times breaks your heart.

to be known and safe and belong is the most natural desire a person might have. perhaps the most basic longing of the child-self that exists in us. to make and speak and become forceful in the world in a way that makes me understand myself and my place in the family things is another longing in it’s own way and i think that’s the wildness bit i value so profoundly. lately for me it is the process of discerning the tension of wilderness and homecoming. to be tamed and grounded and to understand the beauty of adventure and an untethered allowance that supports creative expression. i’ve been working on a new piece of music and there’s a line in it that i’m haunted by. 

our love will grow somehow. 

for me there’s an acknowledgment of grief in that sentence. an acknowledgment of loss and change. an acknowledgment of allowance and exposure. love is so informed by the exposure of desire and allowance for growth and change i think. sure i’m willing to accept that anytime i allow myself to be known in an intimate way i am allowing myself to be exposed to wounding. the smell of love. the feel of it. the small things that stick in the memory. a negotiation with impermanence. the ever present desire to become ourselves, together. and how sometimes that kind of love pulls us apart, breaking the skin as the roots take their place in the heart. a seed is a harbinger of the culmination of that desire to grow and express myself in the world. fermentation is a process of interacting with what comes after that fruit is produced and i am willing to allow for the exposure to life to change me into something else. time, pressure, exposure, allowance, acceptance, pursuit, embrace.

streams to the ocean.