party

forgetting isn’t the worst thing. i wonder if it’s just the natural way in which we protect ourselves from the pain that (sometimes) is existing here. it just feels like sometimes that’s the way it goes. it’s like when the sun hits your eyes directly and there’s that moment of white out and the edges of sight are stark colors set against a flood of light. forgetting everything else for a brief moment. i wonder if acceptance and forgetting have properties in common with one another. i’ve been finding myself wanting to listen to party by daughter a lot lately.

i remembered something in therapy today. sometimes when there’s a sense of dissolution or disruption in the circles that weave my life together i experience overwhelm in a paralyzing sort of way. this fear isn’t unfamiliar. there’s something there in the middle of that withering cold. externalizing my relationship to my inherent worth forcing dependence on the social agreements that we’ve made with each other, (unconscious or conscious) is a sure way to destabilize my sense of belonging. sure, this struggle is harrowing in it’s own right. we’re all finding paths through the malaise and perceptions of reality that we bring to this space. 

there’s something to be said for holding onto that sense of being in the face of it. holding onto the inherent value in existing here. i think sometimes i’m just not done being heavy yet. i find lightness as attractive as the next person. i feel that self expression is tricky though. perhaps it’s a question of (how much i am in relation with myself) and how much i am interested in preserving something in the way i’m perceived by others? “i could stop if i want, i just don’t want to yet.”

it’s a very different thing to be face to face with the injury. i think that’s been historically one of the most frustrating parts about being a person to me, as much as i want to escape it, sometimes just being in pain for awhile is what is available to me. my attempts to insulate myself from that aspect of being human is part of the process. disappointment is something that will always be difficult. coming back to trust sucks because it feels foolish i think. trusting myself to hold onto who i remember wanting to be.