Author Archives: joelbigelow

red, as in crimson and flowing or stagnant, dried and fading, telling the things that I wish hadn’t happened, all the things I want to go back and not have to remember, all the pain and violence carried through time, shed out of bitterness. bitterness unrelenting in it’s razors edge, cutting through flesh and bone,Continue reading “structures of home .1”

i believe it’s good to keep going if what you have isn’t working for you anymore. The idea of repentance (where this tread is coming from right now) is fascinating, in the sense that language is fascinating specifically how all that word seems to do in most power structures is give folks a ritual fixContinue reading “change”

Life is so beautiful when I show up for it with honesty and vulnerability. I think I’ve been kind of oblivious to my own power for a long time. Like in a way that has hurt others for sure, but now I also see how other folks hurt people and don’t even realize their ownContinue reading “just so, in the quiet”

“If I wanna ride with you, I know where to find you.” This coffee has a kind of dryness to it, but not in an unpleasant way. I like my life a lot. I like it so much. I think its like the realest shit I’ve ever done and will ever do. Not in theContinue reading “coonskin cap”

No need to make it formal. No need to make it lofty. No need to make it dead. No need to run the life right out of the moment, encapsulating it in ledgers and accounts and something as treacherous as future anxieties. There’s really no need, actually. I’d rather kiss you sweetly and say goodContinue reading “pooling”

Just go until you feel different. I think I’ve felt a lot of ways recently. I tested positive for covid at the beginning of this week. It’s interesting to me that anxiety and fear get loud when I’m isolated and feeling vulnerable. Like that’s when things have gotten sort of bad, historically. It hasn’t beenContinue reading “through the eyes of a friend”

It’s okay to grieve for as long as you need to. It’s okay to experience the depths of sadness that feel like they won’t ever be anything else. It’s okay to remember yourself in a way that feels like every fucking thing is over. Like all the good has gone out of your life andContinue reading “like glaciers”

life is (finish the sentence or leave it at is) we can learn how to engage with ourselves differently together. to quote daughter, you can still be who you want to, who you said you were when i met you. we’re collections of forever breathing across moments following a river toward the memories of whoContinue reading “24 (or a reflection from the edge of 30)”

The politics of societal structures are interesting to me in as far as they relate to the processing of trauma on a macro scale. For instance, the idea that the people who make up a system are unwilling to face the harm we’ve caused and instead uses the power available to gas light an entireContinue reading “homeland”

Where are you, my heart? I’ve had this emerging conversation within myself that goes something like this. “Follow your gut.” _ “No, You can’t trust that and are going to sabotage the good things that are emerging in your life and end up down some hole alone again wanting to end it.” I think thisContinue reading “structures of home (an introduction)”