Heart orientation is fascinating to me. I’ve longed to be able to trust my heart, but I feel at times my heart has really gotten me into a lot of deeply painful tragic experiences. I’m so curious about this. It’s like this balance exists out in the ether somewhere. A mixture of wisdom and a community of counselors who offers a kind of sounding board and structure for human development without getting into really self destructive patterns and behaviors. This premise is then pushed, pulled and balanced by a wildness and expansiveness where one can live their life in a way that is true and vulnerable, exploring and answering the questions that arise in an individual experience. For instance, no one can answer the call of wonder and curiosity for me.
It seems that things I’ve longed for like self confidence and the cultivation of creativity are found in this conversation. However, it isn’t just a vacuum. One of my tendencies is to want to make things very simple, especially when I have found something that is working for me. I tend to want to make that into a universal rule. I’m so grateful for dear friends who engage with me in a level of honesty and vulnerability and offer wisdom that is beyond what I am able to see without them. It’s so humbling in a good way how we need one another.
I really do believe that when we seek we find. I think seeking truth is a life long process and more about the heart orientation, but it’s interesting because Jesus said you will know the truth and the truth with make you free. I have found this to be used in a way that makes people very much the opposite of free. “Truth” becomes a weapon and there is fear and power that is wrapped up in domination and oppression. Conversely, I have experienced the hyper rejection of “Truth” in a live your truth culture that is ironically getting at an incredibly poignant aspect of truth through statements like that. I don’t know what it’s like to be you and you don’t know what it’s like to be me. That is FACTS. This cultural position is a reaction to the horrors that are being experienced at the merciless hands of folks inside institutions that are brandishing “Truth” as a sword to annihilate their enemies. (This happens in other environments besides “christian” spaces btw. I’ve seen it and lived it).
The weird thing about human struggles is that we still carry the wounds we sustain in one narrative context into the next until we find a way to heal those wounds. So for me leaving a fundamentalist christian experience behind and stepping into the compelling worlds of fighting for justice in a white supremacist system, finding new language to describe myself and make room for other experiences , moving through the paces of spiritual exploration, discovery, and disillusionment, engaging in protest, and many other things that I moved through and some of which I think were deeply beneficial for my healing journey. (Some of this growth I still utilize and live into today).
Tangentially, anyone who has pain points with their parents, Thich Naht Hanh’s meditation on your father and mother as five year old children in his book teachings on love is powerful and may give you some insight into a situation that is hindering you. (Not saying its going to heal you, but I’m very pro cultivating empathy and walking through the integration of forgiveness and boundaries).
This idea that I’ve been exploring lately of heart orientation and the idea of Truth, writ large, is fascinating to me. It’s like this idea that I can’t grow or become because if I ask these questions or leave this construct I am other and I am lost. This idea of being found in something. The amount of times I said “Wow. Oh my God, and fuck” while listening to this podcast my friend sent me is a testament to how deeply I resonated with the expression of something that I’ve been apart of, but haven’t known how to articulate. It’s very healing for me to see folks doing work that is helping to give a context to traumas experienced in an evangelical context who are allowing for and living into the process of becoming more human. I’m blown away by the common experience that is being studied and the ideas around what it means to follow Jesus.
I think an interesting thing about the cultural context that I currently live in is the quickness to jump to conclusions when certain passwords are used. If I say the right things in a certain environment then I am allowed through the defense wall and I am now “one of us” not “one of them”. This is partially what I mean when I talk about the narrative switch that doesn’t heal the wounds I am carrying around. So, for instance, for me I switched a violent narrative that was isolating and harming myself and those around me for something that felt more enlightened and empathetic. However, as time progressed I noticed myself still being vindictive, cynical, and struggling with us vs them positions that even when I was fully in the oneness eastern mysticism camp became its own language for denial and an articulation of pride and wall building in the hyper individual spiritual experience that is the process of seeking enlightenment. (They aren’t as far along as me, they’re just beginning to awaken, that’s their karmic work to do, and so on).
I think anger is good. I mean, I think the anger I see so prevalent right now is indicative that folks are waking up to something being very, very wrong and a feeling of deep betrayal when they cared so deeply about something. It’s pointing to something. This shit is wack out here for real. I believe we can walk through healing in a culture that is set on destroying the beauty that is at the core of us.
Something that has been very impacting for me this year is prayer. I went to a program when I was desperate earlier this year and part of that program was listening prayer, this took place in a charismatic catholic context, but I still remember this phrase that someone specifically used. (There was a small group and I would share vulnerable things there about my journey and disillusionment and then trained members of a team would simply gather around me and listen and then speak life when it resonated). One of the folks who was praying for me would use this phrase, “your good son, Joel” and I swear to you that shit wrecked me. There has been a deep wound in me about my core identity as a human being a bad or evil. It’s so sad to me that that was what I walked away with from the rich diverse heritage that is Christianity in a broader story outside of the modern American context.
To begin to have this experience with God that is found in embodiment, seeking wholeness, and learning to trust myself has been very healing. This growing assurance in me that Jesus is so good, beyond anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed. That God is seeking my wholeness more than I am and that language and context are part of the dimly lit window that I am peering through. Mystery, wonder, and curiosity are apart of this healing journey for me. I think I’ve been so intrigued by my process. (Like there’s this deep part of me that is just going for it right now).
As I’ve leaned into engaging with the conversation of trust and vulnerability there is a strength that is emerging. “Your good son, Joel” whispering in the deep places of my being and watching the road rise to meet me as I lean into that journey towards integration of all the confusing parts of myself that have felt fragmented for so long. To know the truth and have it begin to set me free. And the truth is I’m beautiful and so are you. I hope you remember this in a deep, experiential way. Beyond language, inside your guts sort of way. You are precious. It’s no longer a sales pitch for me. I’m so convinced that love is seeking us and we are all walking through some iteration of a conversation with love wherever that looks like in practice, sometimes closer, sometimes farther. Be not afraid. To my friends exploring the wide world of everything we’ve come up with as humans, my experience has been to keep engaging with a heart set on being free and found in love. I think that will guide you into the channels that run to the oceanic expansiveness that exists in love.
God is longing for my wholeness and God is humble. Jesus is so good and kind. I never thought I would have a functional relationship with the person of Jesus again, but I’m so glad that I don’t have to lose him again. I’m walking through a sort of reconstruction period after completely walking away from the faith of my youth. The odd part of this is that I believe I am more free because I walked away. I was carrying so much unprocessed trauma tied to christian language and narratives, that baggage, compounded with trauma from my family of origin was debilitating. I needed to decouple from and walk through a more real story completely outside of the context of those narratives. It has been messy and I came closer to taking my life than I ever thought I would. I’m aware of that. I’m grateful to be here today, feeling deeply loved and cared for by so many people in my life and moving towards curiosity and wonder. I’ll just sum all this up in a single sentence. Keep going lover, there’s more to find.
structures of home 