I’m so fucking happy. I was driving into Santa Cruz from my new spot and I literally said out loud. You did it! You fucking did it! I moved to California. I got a job at a company I respect. I landed a living situation. I start my job tomorrow. I’m going to look at wet suits later today. I am LIVING INTO A DREAM I’VE HAD FOR A LONG TIME.
I’ve been having spontaneous moments of gratitude. I’m grateful to God for real. I don’t know. I can’t really describe the head space I was in earlier this year, but depression is fucking hard. (I know a lot of folks struggle with heavy stuff and man, you are so good and I hope you find whatever you need to get out of that punishing cycle). I thought it would never end. I think that’s how it works though from what I understand. Narrative statements about things never changing, etc, etc. SAY YES TO LIFE!
My friend, introduced me to Gang of Youths and it’s pretty sick when someone nails your vibe. Hahah he sent me an album and was just like you’ll love it. And wow. I do. The last track is titled, say yes to life. And you know what, fuck yeah. Say yes. You’re gorgeous and you matter! There’s so much in this world that is good and longing for humans to live into that. I’ve been reading (my friend let me have his audible log in so I have access to his library, which is so sick, cause I’m curious about most of the books in his library lol) this book called beauty will save the world. It’s funny because a lot of my trajectory spiritually is sort of resonating with things I have heard this author say, or like, references to ideas that we have both been thinking about. Anyways, in the book he talks about what I was talking about in the last post about the temptation of Jesus on the mountain and goes into way more detail in the book than I did in the post. I had no idea that he talked about it and just found out last night. lol (it’s not a fucking competition, if anything its cool to feel the resonance).
Anyways, it’s so wild to me to see so much of what I’ve been thinking about and feeling talked about in that book. I’ve known about the book for a long time and just haven’t ever been like I’m gonna read that. Welp. It’s hitting. I couldn’t sleep last night. (not really in a bad way. Just like I went to bed at like 7:30 in my new spot, which I will post more about later when I feel like it) and then woke up like 2 hours later lol. I think my body was like. It’s a nap. We’re definitely napping right now. I don’t have electricity or cell reception where I’m living and it’s like a nice little reprieve in a way. A step out of the ocean of connectivity that I’ve been loving, living into, and vibing with lately. Anyways. New spot. So I was just listening to this audio book till like 2:30am. I ate second supper at like 11:30pm and was just having the time I was having and living into it. All that to say, I finally did get some sleep, but there was something really special about that book in that space. I feel myself being drawn more into wonder by it.
I feel a freedom that I’m living into being articulated more clearly in those pages. I think it’s one of those things where I am in the right place to read it mentally and spiritually and it just hit hard. I’m aware of the fact that my subjective experience is different than others and I’m learning to lean into the curiosity of knowing and being known by others, (what a gift!) Communing in the areas we find mutual resonance and allowing for the process of becoming that is so necessary for the individual on their own journey! (Hero’s journey shit again).
I believe in you. I really do. If I can move across the United States to one of the most expensive areas in the country, coming off a depression, where as I’ve said before, feeding myself felt fucking pointless and the idea of buying a new mattress in NYC felt like a hurdle that might be to big logistically to handle, I believe you can fight the dark too. Find your patronus. It’s okay to struggle. I hope you have folks in your life who can see you struggle and hold space for you there. Offer you practical aid and sit with you in that space whatever that space is. I am so grateful that I had my brother and sister-in-law’s place in KCK to go and suffer. To be seen and known by them in an incredibly hard season (for both parties) the fact that they held space in their own journey through grief for me in my fight with depression and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with me. (That was disorienting to be experiencing things in my body that I’ve never had to deal with before). I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful. I keep saying it and will keep saying it. Maybe I’ll put this on a tee-shirt with some rad art. But, “Keep going. There’s more to find”. Wherever you find yourself today. Keep going. You are precious and whatever is happening in your life right now there are other energies out in the world to engage with that can begin to heal your heart. You are worth the work it takes to heal. You are worth showing up for. I hope you know that today.
structures of home 