go find it

i used to wanna be important

now I just wanna be alive

and without fear

you got to persevere

I’m stupid happy these days. I went bed last night at like 7:30 because when you live somewhere without electricity and it’s winter time you don’t have a lot to do after dinner anyways. I mean there are things. Maybe I’ll find a nice rhythm, but anyways. It was raining and it’s so loud on the roof of the camper shell. And one of the sky lights is dripping lol. I had a pot on my bed catching the drips, and I’m so happy. I feel like I’m living into a dream that I’ve had for my whole life and I’m just now getting to taste and see what it is to go on an adventure while learning how to trust and be vulnerable. (maybe that’s the definition of an adventure. Anything could happen). Letting go of the need for self importance. To be alive without fear I must persevere. (Maybe moving beyond the claustrophobic environment of living in fear is closer to my experience.)

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday. We were catching up after not having deeply connected for a bit and I was talking around the feeling of sorting out the coffee person side of me and how letting go of a version of myself that is to restrictive has been really amazing. Like I’ve invested time and energy and made connections and all the things. It was interesting though because I have been having this extended conversation with myself and the company I’m starting at today. (yay!) In that process I began to see that I was actually blocking myself from exploring things that I am curious about because I was afraid of losing status or clout or whatever the fuck that is. My brain is so punishing sometimes. Like seriously? We live in this world where things are wound so tight that it’s like dress up go to the job, kiss up to the right people and then climb the thing and then retire have an existential crisis because your worth was wrapped up in what you contributed to society with your work and die. Okay. Okay. I can do better than that. I owe that to myself. I’m going to go find it. Thanks everyone. That’s my ted talk.

I give all the fucks now. Just not in the same way. I care deeply about where I’m headed and I am leaning into the process of being more vulnerable with my life. In my own lived experience (moving to California in my car), in relational ways, spiritually, and all the other things I don’t want to list right now. I’m just working on it. Its been so worth the disorientation. Its been so worth the crawling around in the dark looking for the thing that was missing in my life. Turns out the shell of the person I was trying to be for so long was never going to satisfy the deep hunger I have in my heart to be alive and without fear. The only way up is through. You gotta persevere. There have been times in my life where the phrase the only way up is through felt like a death sentence. This shit can be so hard. If you have friends (and they are good) keep them close. If they aren’t good do your best to find some good friends. We need them out here. It’s a beautiful thing to be found in trusting relationship with friends who hold you through the seasons of life. For when the thing you were banking on gets pulled out from under you and all the connecting points that change when that connection is different. For all the moments that you are joyful and when you find that person you want to be with for the rest of whatever this is. The ones who saw you before that. The ones who held you before that. To be able to have them with you through the storms. Through the whole thing. To be fully alive with friends. I love that and I love my friends. I feel like I’m finally figuring out how to be a good friend. It’s weird though because I feel like I’m learning more from showing up for myself and learning good boundaries for myself and that’s making me a better friend. Maybe that’s not weird at all. Maybe that just feels weird because I didn’t know that was how it worked before now. So it feels weird. Learning, growing, treasuring, changing. To know and be known in that tension. To be held and loved in that space.